The Duck Family Rally – Rules and Regulations
It’s that time of year again (no, I DID change my
underwear yesterday, thank you). It’s
time for the annual Duck Family Rally.
This is an event that brings in participants from all over the country
(or at least just friends and relatives who are STILL speaking to us after last
year’s rally) to engage in a competition, a challenge, and just a complete
waste of time.
Purpose: Your team is
sent off on a scavenger hunt where you hop back into your car, you are given a
set of instructions and $10, and you take note of your starting time and your
odometer reading. Whoever comes back and
completes all the steps of the scavenger hunt in the time and distance most
closely matched by the rally organizer (MrsDuck)
are penalized for driving too far or logging too many miles. Simple enough. You got LOST.
are penalized for taking too long, unless you’re really screwed up and you’re
somewhere in Ohio. You’re STILL lost.
are also penalized for logging a shorter distance than the baseline
distance set by the rally organizer.
It means you didn’t go everywhere we told you to.
are also penalized for logging a shorter TIME than the baseline duration
set by the rally organizer. It
means you were SPEEDING!
are awarded points for performing the rally while in a Halloween costume.
performing the rally, you will have to answer questions on the directions
forms. Don’t worry, these will be
read only by the rally officials (MrsDuck and
myself), they will NOT be read by anyone else nor
sent to the Department of Homeland Security. (Not yet, at least.)
teams must be comprised of at least 3 members, a driver, a navigator, and
one to read the directions and answer the questions. However, teams of four or five are
encouraged as the navigator usually strangles the driver halfway through
teams must obey all Michigan traffic laws (see rule #4), Michigan casino gaming
rules, state firearms laws, federal banking laws, Superfund site cleanup
statutes, FDA controlled-substance regulations, the United Nations
charter, and the Prime Directive of the United Federation of Planets….
rally team is sent off on the course, ten minutes apart from each other to
start, not strictly because if we send off everybody at the same time that
they will CHEAT, but that we don’t want to encourage any re-enactments of the movies “Smokey and The Bandit”, “Vanishing
Point”, “The Cannonball Rally”, “Gumball”, or “Mother, Jugs, and Speed”.
rally officials is welcome. Not
necessarily successful, mind you, but always welcome. (We take small bills…)
will NOT need a compass, nor a stopwatch, nor a
Global Positioning System. All
directions and information to guide you will be in the form of simple
commands. As long as you can read
English you are okay. If not, then hasta la vista, baby!
some of you city-slickers, you will notice various life-forms near the
course route that stand on four legs and stay put, and those that have
four legs and do NOT stay put. The
ones that stay put are called COWS.
The rest are squirrels, skunks, opossums, and raccoons. COWS will stay put and are not a threat
to your car as long as they stay put.
If one of the OTHER life-forms happens to stand in the road, just
keep applying pressure to your accelerator pedal, grip the steering wheel
tightly, and send them to varmint heaven.
If a COW is standing in the road, STOP. Do not pass GO, do not collect
$200. Allow the COW to walk off and
leave the road. The instructions
for dealing with other animals do NOT work for COWS.
the course, there may be DEER. DEER
are not COWS. DEER are faster than
COWS. BUT, DEER are dumber than
COWS. DEER will usually decide to change their
minds all of a sudden and leap INTO the path of YOUR CAR. Unfortunately, although in this state we
have gun season for deer, bow season for deer, and even musket season for
deer, we do NOT have CAR season for deer.
If you should HIT a DEER, do not worry. The local law enforcement agencies will
come and help you with an accident report, and for an extra $50, they will
let you take the DEAD DEER home with you…to EAT. Contributing DEAD DEER to the rally officials
will earn you extra points.
you should get lost, you are provided an envelope marked “LOST
INSTRUCTIONS” so that you can be re-oriented and get back on course in the
rally. You are required at the end
of the rally to return the envelope intact. However, opening the envelope will cost
you 10 points. Figuring out how to
steam open the envelope and fool us will gain you 5 points.
are encouraged to participate in the rally. However, the exchange rate for rally points
is 1 U.S.Rally
point = 0.6 Canadian Rally points.
ALCOHOL is to be consumed throughout the duration of the rally…by the
participants. However, the rally
hosts can get bombed silly.
FIREARMS are allowed in the rally course.
Not even for defense against objects in rules 12 and 13. Nor as an inducement per rule 10.
participants are encouraged to leave their small children with the rally hosts, the hosts have employed baby-sitters, animal
trainers, and Secret Service marksmen for your convenience. They will be well-taken care of and will
be used as your “damage deposit” while being held by the rally hosts.
of cell phones is permitted by rally participants, EXCEPT the driver. Drivers are required to keep their
attention on the road and have their hands free to THWACK the navigator
silly after a missed turn.
rally direction answers will be collected by the rally host and fairly evaluated
will be awarded for First, Second, and Third place, but also for “Youngest
illegal competitor”, “First team to hit a COW”, “First team to be arrested”,
and “Most vehicular damage incurred”.
And to Mr.Ed, for not
appearing in this year’s Duck Family Rally, I lost $5 to MrsDuck
in a side bet. Thanks. Merry $#*@ Christmas.
Copyright 2003 www.misterduck.net